Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel