Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
hey, alexa
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie