So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.