it must be school picture day
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Bobby pin
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Not my job 😂
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.