Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Peace was never an option
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛