My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
You are not alone 💚
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa