Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’