Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
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Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
#have a #great #PancakeDay
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.