@shawnspree: Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
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@checkyourfox: I'm sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
@TragicAllyHere: If you guys don't do my "Funeral Ideas" Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard *pinning ideas to "Haunting" board*
@ramenfuneral: that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse
@realHamOnWry: *smudges lipstick* *smears eyeliner* *gets mascara on earlobe* *never tries make-up sex again*