@shawnspree: Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
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@long_pussy_lips: Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls
@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
@MotherJonestown: STAGES OF DRUNK: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don't wake up the cows.