@shawnspree: Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
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@YourTumblrFeed: *job interview* so tell me a fun fact about yourself Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh- get the hell out
@PrettyInCamo11: The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
@Robbie_Cakes: Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you've got a pizza!
@GrantTanaka: me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer bartender: what kind me: the...the drinking kind