@shawnspree: Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?” Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
@PaperWash: I noticed you're eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time. So how many people have you murdered?
@causticbob: Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s. Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently