@shawnspree: Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
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@topaz_kell: "Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.
@yenniwhite: The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
@AnkCoupleTO: Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain? Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
@iscoff: if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you're born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich