I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
You Might Also Like
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up