FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I miss this era type of pranks😭