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I can’t wait!
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy