FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
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If snails are so slow, why don鈥檛 we ever see them coming? It鈥檚 just BAM, there鈥檚 a snail.
two people or more is called a problem
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it鈥檚 not like you鈥檒l eat anything else, Greg!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Where is your GOD now????
when the buffet is more honest than your date
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me: I鈥檇 kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I鈥檓 excited to meet my children for the first time*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he鈥檚 repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
馃幎I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus馃幎
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
#TopTip
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven鈥檛 had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven鈥檛 been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU