FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me buying fruit and veg
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*