FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
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Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
goldfish mafia
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.