FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!