fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that