[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror