FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.