Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
In space, no one can hear…
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Come back with a warrant
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.