Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
You Might Also Like
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?