Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
50 shades of grey = my Liver
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Love this one 😂🧟
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*