[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I just tested negative for patience.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“A little help here, Danny?”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.