feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.