Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
You Might Also Like
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.