Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom