If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
You Might Also Like
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I put the hot in psychotic.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.