Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.