*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m already scared
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.