Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star