Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Can. I. Help. You.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars