Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You Might Also Like
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*