The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Every time.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit