*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*