*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Come back with a warrant
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good