*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???