Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I’m listening
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.