“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
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Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.