Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.