Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
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There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
6YO: Daddy you鈥檙e so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: 鈥his morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I鈥檓 part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
only 11 steps left
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he鈥檚 expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I can鈥檛 stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything鈥攐r they might take everything. – BM
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
#Caturday
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then 脴 is to Fruit Ninja.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans