@kelkulus: Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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@shatterpants: I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
@nickmullen: I'm not religious but I'm spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don't feel bad about shoplifting
@Midgetspar: My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."