Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
#NoRestForTheWicked
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Ghost costume 😂
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.