@kelkulus: Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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@OhYeahILied: "I'm not a violent person but people can change", I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
@AristotlesNZ: Me: You put the "cow" in "coworker" Her: Excuse me?? Me: It's a joke format. Her: I'm telling HR.. Me: Ok but I doubt they'll get it either.
@ImaFlyontheWall: Bob: Who is that? Me:That's Ted, he's the opposite of a hypochondriac.. Ted's arm falls off Ted: Hey guys! Bob: Holy shit! Ted: What, I'm ok