This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”