Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Not messing around
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
oh my gosh!!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.