Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
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All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
mom gave me mine for free
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
me as a parent
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.