Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police