I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.