People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
North and South
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.