Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
This is hilarious….
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.