@SteveAmiri: Fifty Shades of Grey was disappointing. All those blindfolds and not a single person swung at a piñata.
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@ScottLinnen: Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
@Robert_Beau: CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work.
@jus4golf: I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who's the idiot now Mom!?
@IdStandOnThat: My daughter just said, "Daddy, you're good looking & not fat like other dads." She's only 10, but we're headed to the BMW dealership now.