I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Just me and my debit card against the world
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.