When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
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Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend