Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
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Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon