Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.