Fights fire with marshmallows
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Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Sheep
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
pizza
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.